Over the weekend my friend hosted a Pure Romance party. If you know, heard of, or have read any parts of Fifty Shades of Grey you can probably stop reading here with the guarantee that any assured thoughts about the event most likely took place. I tried to think of a way around going to this thing because I was a tad apprehensive about whether I could keep a straight face while a professional sales woman waved sex toy objects in front of me…However, the hostess was my old college roommate and I figured our relationship shouldn't get in the way of a few dildos. Said roommate’s mother was also in attendance, along with her boyfriend’s mother— I later discovered this marked the very first parent meeting …yeah now you wish you were there too.
The sales rep’s ‘foreplay,’ included interesting statistics and presentations of some nice smelling lotions and sprays. One particular spray's scent on the human skin changed with the detection of what pheromones the body gave off over a few hours. Some lotions had weird powers and delicious tastes that didn't seem quite natural or non-GMO friendly, but it wasn't really worth questioning. Then she got us on our feet. We played ‘pass the P,’ definitely not the name of the game because I don’t remember if it really had one, but it did involve a 3-foot exaggerated version of a rubber penis that was passed around in a circle. The catch was that it could only be passed between your legs (make it more realistic…???) off to the next person. The sales rep played music to begin the passing and when it stopped the person wearing/holding the P was out. I couldn't get eliminated from this game fast enough. We were oddly all quite good at it and it got sort of competitive and incredibly ridiculous. Finally, the sales rep took off the gloves and brought out the black case. ..Ooh Ahh.. I think we all sort of held our breaths for a moment not absolutely sure what it would be like in the presence of so many battery powered sex toys. Each one was introduced, had a special function or feature, and had a name. Kind of like a cabbage patch doll. Honestly, I would not be surprised if a certificate was included in its individual packaging. We each got the chance to “test” the toys’ vibration levels by placing it on the tips of our noses. At one point I ended up with two at the same time—there I was with a room full of ladies juggling my glass of wine fumbling to power off a vibrator—it was somehow not noticeably embarrassing by any means. While it confirmed my personal disinterest for them, I confronted my own ignorance about sex toys and the fact that I don’t find them as distasteful or uncomfortable as I had imagined.
The group was perfect. How could you not make friends with someone that sneaks up beside you with a fluorescent imitation penis that goes by the name of 'Wanda'...? It was impossible to be shy or feel humiliated for yourself or the sales rep. The mother additions made the night memorable. They asked the best questions and they were so open and hysterical, it was both incredible and humorous. At the end the sales rep entered a more private area so we could continue our ridiculousness (she helped initiate), with the opportunity to go one-by-one and place orders. Sort of discrete, except everyone then walked out with a certain size bag was set up for an open interrogation. I went with the buddy system, especially because it is sales so I refused to enter alone. When the sales rep encouraged that I host a party I laughed it off. Then she seemed motivated to get a “yes.” Unfortunately for her I had quite a compelling argument in which I explained that although it would be quite a story to write, I don’t exactly picture that black case being displayed in my parents’ basement.
The sales rep’s ‘foreplay,’ included interesting statistics and presentations of some nice smelling lotions and sprays. One particular spray's scent on the human skin changed with the detection of what pheromones the body gave off over a few hours. Some lotions had weird powers and delicious tastes that didn't seem quite natural or non-GMO friendly, but it wasn't really worth questioning. Then she got us on our feet. We played ‘pass the P,’ definitely not the name of the game because I don’t remember if it really had one, but it did involve a 3-foot exaggerated version of a rubber penis that was passed around in a circle. The catch was that it could only be passed between your legs (make it more realistic…???) off to the next person. The sales rep played music to begin the passing and when it stopped the person wearing/holding the P was out. I couldn't get eliminated from this game fast enough. We were oddly all quite good at it and it got sort of competitive and incredibly ridiculous. Finally, the sales rep took off the gloves and brought out the black case. ..Ooh Ahh.. I think we all sort of held our breaths for a moment not absolutely sure what it would be like in the presence of so many battery powered sex toys. Each one was introduced, had a special function or feature, and had a name. Kind of like a cabbage patch doll. Honestly, I would not be surprised if a certificate was included in its individual packaging. We each got the chance to “test” the toys’ vibration levels by placing it on the tips of our noses. At one point I ended up with two at the same time—there I was with a room full of ladies juggling my glass of wine fumbling to power off a vibrator—it was somehow not noticeably embarrassing by any means. While it confirmed my personal disinterest for them, I confronted my own ignorance about sex toys and the fact that I don’t find them as distasteful or uncomfortable as I had imagined.
The group was perfect. How could you not make friends with someone that sneaks up beside you with a fluorescent imitation penis that goes by the name of 'Wanda'...? It was impossible to be shy or feel humiliated for yourself or the sales rep. The mother additions made the night memorable. They asked the best questions and they were so open and hysterical, it was both incredible and humorous. At the end the sales rep entered a more private area so we could continue our ridiculousness (she helped initiate), with the opportunity to go one-by-one and place orders. Sort of discrete, except everyone then walked out with a certain size bag was set up for an open interrogation. I went with the buddy system, especially because it is sales so I refused to enter alone. When the sales rep encouraged that I host a party I laughed it off. Then she seemed motivated to get a “yes.” Unfortunately for her I had quite a compelling argument in which I explained that although it would be quite a story to write, I don’t exactly picture that black case being displayed in my parents’ basement.